Ask, and ye shall receive

I am not someone who believes in coincidence; I believe that many things happen because that's the way they're supposed to happen. Last night was a perfect example.

On the way to dinner I shared with Hubby the fact that “Bob” lost his dad to emphysema on 12/26, just three weeks ago. I assured him that they knew nothing about FIL, so this is not a topic that he needed to worry about talking about if he didn't want to. We all got caught up and I asked “Bob” how he was doing. He shared the up's and down's that he's had with the loss of his dad. He then brought up Hospice and said how important it was that they were there. He shared how it went at the end, and it was almost identical to FIL. The family had NO idea how sick “Bob”'s dad was until the very very end. “Bob” shared that he and his brother were holding their dad's hand when he passed on, and it was a really beautiful thing for them.

“Betty”, my other friend, then shared that her dad was just put into Hospice and shared the circumstances behind that. Hubby put his hand on my knee and I knew right then, that this was going to be good for him.

To my surprise (because he's such a private person), Hubby brought up FIL. He shared what has been happening, and my friends just listened. Hubby asked questions of “Bob” because his story was so similar to what Hubby is going through right now.

There were a few tears at the table last night, but surprisingly, the tears were tears of empathy from those listening to the stories of others. Not from the person telling their stories. “Bob” did get emotional a few times talking about the times he'd be overwhelmed with emotion and didn't like the fact that he never knew what would set him off. He gave an example of being in the store and see his dad's favorite candy and crying.

I think it was good for Hubby to hear this, yet see that “Bob” could go out do dinner with friends and still laugh and talk about "normal" things only three weeks after the death of his dad. “Bob” was just as close to his dad as Hubby is to FIL.

My friends really supported Hubby last night (which I knew they would if he decided to talk about it, because they are wonderful friends.) In addition to the sharing such personal emotional things, we laughed. We sometimes laughed so loud that people looked at us but we didn't care!

They all shared with him how important it is for FIL to be able to see anyone who wants to come see them and how that point is going to have to get across to MIL, and how it is important to get Hospice in there. They helped him with ways that he could bring that up with his dad. Apparently, “Bob” had a bit of this problem with his mother too. This was great for THEM to tell him this because they were receivers of Hospice. Unlike me, who he might think is just prejudiced to Hospice.

Not sure how well the Hospice thing will go over, because MIL made a flippant comment when we went to visit yesterday about how her maid told her that Hospice people steal drugs. I told her that it's possible that this has happened, but it has to be extremely rare. I explained that we're all screened heavily (even FBI records) before we can volunteer.

Hubby is going to the doctor with FIL and MIL on Tuesday so he's going to bring it up with the doctor in front of FIL and MIL while there. In the end, Hubby told my friends that he felt that he'd just made some really good friends, and they all said that he now had a built in support system. They decided to call themselves the "Hospice club". Too sweet, huh?

We're planning our next get together for April, and will be getting together bi-monthly from now on. Hubby is really looking forward to it. On the way home, Hubby kept saying how he couldn't get over the timing of all of this and how important it was to hear all of this. We'd planned this dinner before “Bob”'s dad died, and certainly before FIL got the recent news. We didn't know anything about “Betty” and her dad. Yet, it was just the exact right time. If we'd of been able to make our dinner three months earlier when we first started planning, Hubby wouldn't have had this wonderful support around him.

I am constantly amazed at how blessed I am when I put it out *there* that I need help. Last night I felt relaxed for the first time in a couple of weeks. I knew that this was the exact thing that was meant to happen. We ended the evening watching one of our music DVD's (Don Henley) and having a glass of wine. I just couldn't have been more perfect.

A week of realizations

Hubby called FIL just a little while ago and said that FIL said he had a realization last night. He's come to terms with everything. Seems that he wants Hubby to come over every day now, and that's what Hubby is going to do. MIL told Hubby that she felt he knows exactly how long to stay, so he's welcome to come any time he wants. That is so wonderful to hear. FIL also told Hubby that he feels it's time to start talking about things and making arrangements. Hubby shared with me that he's come to terms that it's probably not going to be much longer and that FIL could just not wake up one morning. When Hubby was sharing all this information with me, I was processing it all and thinking about what it would all mean emotionally for everyone. I was going through my memory banks of families I've worked with. I only nodded my head while he talked to me. He asked me what I was thinking because I had a "pondering" look on my face. Rather than tell him what I really was thinking about (because honestly I didn't think it's my place to tell him that I think FIL's realization is a sign that he's really close), I just I made a comment that I was glad that everyone has come to these realizations because now everyone can start progressing, and Hubby got a little annoyed with me. He told me that nobody was ever in denial, so I had to back-peddle a bit. I told a white-lie and said that I didn't think anyone was ever in denial. I explained that I was ahead of the curve only because of my Hospice experience. I think I'd better quit tossing that out there. I don't want to sound like some weird Hospice evangelist or something. Honestly, I don't mention it that often but I can't help but draw from my experiences. I kind of wish right now that I didn't have those experiences because I feel too "in the know". I don't like being in the know. Not when it comes to people that I love.

I feel so unequipped

I am a Hospice volunteer, recently changed directions from patient care to grief and bereavement. The day after I finished my grief and bereavement training was the day we found out that my father in law (FIL) was close to death. We knew he was terminal. He has emphysema. Two months ago, his doctor told him that he had 2-3 years left. FIL didn't believe the doctor and told everyone that he has at least 10 years left. We got an email from him a couple of weeks ago that he was very weak and was having a hard time catching his breath. He said that for the first time, he was scared. I wrote back telling him that I was sorry he was feeling these things and asked what I could do to support him. He immediately retracted his statement and said that he really wasn't ss that scared or that sick. It was obvious that he didn't want to look in the mirror that was reflecting back with the acknowledgement I mmhad made. We visited him two weekends ago and I saw definate signs of end stage. Sometimes it's disturbing that I know so much, especially when I can pick up on things like that. I wrote him a letter a few days later suggesting that he ask his doctor about Hospice. I worded it in a way that didn't say that I felt he was dying 'tomorrow', but told him about a particular piece of Hospice that just provides support for those people that have received a diagnosis "such as his" but have lot's of time left. I poured over this email for about two hours so it was very innocuous and not pushy. I received an email back with two words, "not now". Nothing more. I cried all day, and beat myself up thinking I'd done the wrong thing. But I still justified it in my head because I knew that he was dying soon and had no idea. Unless there is someone visiting him with medical knowledge he will never be made aware of the stages he's in. And, of course that would mean that we'd never be aware. The next day he went to see the doctor. The doctor told him that he had "days, maybe weeks" left and that they weren't going to give him any more preventative medications (antibiotics, etc.) The doctor then told him that it was time for Hospice. FIL said he didn't want Hospice. I'll admit it, I'm frustrated with this and don't understand. I don't understand why someone would refuse such a wonderful program. I'm also frustrated because I know that this will place more demands on my husband. They want him to take time off of work to help drive FIL to the doctor. FIL wouldn't even need to go to the doctor if Hospice was involved. FIL and step-MIL have quit contacting me. They used to email hubby and me at the same time. Now they just email hubby. It's hard to not be hurt by this. I know it's because they know that I know "too much" about this sort of thing. By not including me in what's going on, it allows them to remain in denial. The step-MIL wants to do everything herself, but she also wants to make sure we all know that she's hanging herself on a cross 24/7. The dynamics there make the hair stand up on the back of my neck. I really dislike even going over there. But my husband will never know that. Nobody will. Ultimately, this is not my decision to make. FIL has a right to die in the way he wishes. Step-MIL also has the right to decide that she wants to physically exhaust herself. At this point, my job is to support my husband. That's what I'm going to do. I feel overwhelmed and drowning right now. In addition to this, I have scary things happening at work. It's all too much.