Frustration

Hubby left for a business trip this morning, coming back Wed night. We visited FIL on Saturday and he was on day two of morphine. The morphine isn't for pain, it's to relax him so he can breathe easier. So, it wasn't a surprise that he was sleeping a lot while we were there and didn't want to eat. That's my experience the first day of taking narcotics every time I have to go on another round. Then my body gets used to it and I can function fairly normally (or so I'd like to think!) I wasn't sure if FIL's sleeping and lack of appetite was due to this or the fact that he's just really close to the end. Yesterday’s morning when we were there, there wasn't any improvement, really. So, I kind of knew what was going on. Hubby called from the airport before his flight took off. He had just talked to Step-MIL who said that Hubby’s dad is pretty much sleeping around the clock and not eating anything. Hubby wasn't sure if he should go continue with his business trip, not knowing what, if anything, this meant. I suspect it's just a matter of days. I'm not sure what the conversation was between he and Step-MIL about whether she told him to go or asked him to stay. If she'd of asked him to stay, I'm sure he would have so I'm sure that she told him that he was fine to go. I told Hubby that if he was worried about his dad dying while he was gone, that this probably wouldn't happen. But I couldn't guarantee it. He's going to try to fly home tomorrow night. I hope he can do that. Step-MIL called me about an hour ago and said that she might need me to come help take care of Hubby’s dad because she isn't strong enough to get him in and out of the bed, also so she can run errands if she needs to. I told her that I'll be there if she needs me, but I have this precarious situation going on at work, so I wanted to be honest with her that if at all possible I'd appreciate it if she could call Hospice to help out during the day, and I could definitely come in the late afternoon and evening. I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have mentioned my job. Because even though I told her that I would drop everything, I have a feeling that all she heard was "I'm not going to risk my job". She made some disparaging comments about how Hospice isn't willing to come every day and they haven't even heard from a "fucking" volunteer yet and how Hospice expects her to pay for help if she needs it on the days they can't come out. What "fucking good are they". I tried explaining how the volunteer is set up, and it takes a while. It's the last thing to be set up. What's important is the nurse. She said that the social worker was coming out today and she was going to "make her keep her ass there all day so she could see how much work this is". I don't think anyone is denying that this has to be a lot of work for Step-MIL, but saying things like that is really making me feel very defensive. Especially when Step-MIL doesn't want to accept help unless it's her way. I tried to tell her that once Hubby’s dad gets set up in the bed, then they'll probably take care of things so he doesn't have to get in or out of bed anymore (catheter, that sort of thing). She really wouldn't need any 24 hour help to move him around. They have great bathing stuff for bedridden patients (a towelette you can heat up in the microwave that has a soap less type of cleanser in it). She then made a comment how she's already "wiped his ass twice today". GOD! Stop it!, I want to tell her. I knew Hubby's dad was right there hearing all of this. It's so degrading. She ended the call on that negative note. I knew this would happen. I knew that Hospice wouldn't be good enough and I'd have to hear about it. I have a feeling that's the only reason that I got the call. So she could basically say, "see? I told you so." I don't know. Maybe I'm just feeling overly defensive. I felt bad that I'd even mentioned my job in our conversations earlier. Really, I'd drop everything to go help; but when we were there Saturday Step-MIL made it clear that she didn't "need any help". I have a feeling that she'd only have me come over so I could hear her rant and rave. I can't risk my job for that. The timing of all of this is really off, but I am sincere that family comes first. Step-MIL also has to be reasonable. I feel like such a heel for even making limitations like that. If Step-MIL was different, this would be a whole different situation and I wouldn't have had to even mention that. So, after about 15 minutes of beating myself up for mentioning my job, I called her back to make it very clear that I'd drop everything to be there. Then I suggested that I actually come now, and then tomorrow in the morning and just work from there and leave at night. That way, I could work AND help her with Step-FIL. My manager wouldn't even have to know that I wasn't "home" since I'd just bring my laptop and cellphone. They have no idea where I'm working from. When I heard her stammer a bit, I told her that I'd work in the back room so I wasn't in her road. She wouldn't even know I was there, except if she needed something. She didn't want that. She said she just wants me to be available for when she needs me. My Hospice director was right. This is good experience for me, to see what families go through. I just want to cry all the time. I want to cry for Hubby because I know I can't protect him from feeling this pain. I want to cry because I feel so helpless. I feel that I'm not doing the right things. I know I'm doing the right things for Hubby, and I guess that's all that I need to worry about. I'm just a "fixer" and want to make sure everyone around me is taken care of. I'm not able to do that. I just want to pull the blankets over my head right now. I can't begin to imagine how Hubby feels.....